Thursday, January 10, 2008

Guess Who's Back?

What a wonderful trip! I have lots of stories and pictures to share, but first I wanted to follow up with what I alluded to while I was gone. It's a long, drawn out story but you'll get the basics when you read the following email I sent to my (ex- - I'm sure it will get easier to say that?!?) boyfriend...

Hey,

I’ve been thinking about how to say this but it seems like writing you a letter might be easier. I know that sometimes our relationship is a struggle and dealing with long-distance communication isn’t easy. Trust me, I don’t like it either. I’ve always thought that we would make it through. I didn’t know how, or when, but I had a solid feeling of belief and faith in, well, in us. I truly believed that eventually we would both be where we wanted to be, together, at the same time. I have to say now that I am seriously doubting and slightly unconvinced in our ability to see this relationship out.

I can’t pretend to know when your feelings changed but I do know that they have. Call it intuition, or perhaps the ability to (finally) see clearly and say what we both have on our minds, I’m not sure. Maybe it was sometime during the summer, maybe it was once you were back in Michigan, maybe it was somewhere in-between. I guess the where doesn’t matter as much as the when. I wish you told me at the exact moment you felt this slip away. I suppose it’s possible that it’s always been this way and I have just been unwilling to see it. I’d like to think that’s not the case but I’ve been let down before. I guess my point is; I recognize it now.

I wish you had enough respect for me and my feelings to tell me what was going on with you. You can deny my questions as much as you’d like, the bottom line is, I know. When you’ve been in this place before, like I have, it doesn’t take long to recognize it. The inevitable emptiness and ache that lingers deep down in the hollow of your heart and stomach are impossible to ignore. The funny thing is, I imagine this started much the way you and I started. Ironic, right? A chance meeting, a late night at a bar, a few too many drinks… I can imagine this because, remember, when it was us doing that? It seems so long ago now, but I still remember the exhilaration of those first couple of months; the excitement; the fun. What grew from that is something I never thought would, a love and friendship that were the best I had even been a part of. Love is like that, right? It gets better each time? (Or is it better with time?) Experiences are tricky like that, what one person remembers as the best moment of their life another remembers as the worst. I hope she’s worth it.

At a different point in my life I may have been willing to let this go, or pretend it didn’t happen, but I’m not there anymore. I’ve learned to ignore my heart and think with my head. (Believe me, I’m ignoring my heart just typing this to you.) You know, it would be easier to ignore this but I can’t do that. I can’t continue to let myself down while keeping other people up. Does that make sense? The decisions we make define who we are and I’m tired of the way I’ve been defining myself. I deserve to be with someone who deserves to be with me. Someone who unabashedly recognizes what I have to offer and wants every piece of me. I’m not sure that you’re there. The double standards and inability for compassion are more than I can deal with.

I’m not perfect. I know this. I am proud to say though, that there has not been one time in the past three years that I haven’t been completely dedicated to you and to us. Even when it wasn’t easy. Even when it would have been easier to walk away. I continued to believe that eventually we would grow into each other and with each other. Maybe that’s where I went wrong. I’ve been waiting for something that I had no right to be waiting for. Maybe we both were.

As hard as this is to do, to finally see and think clearly about each other and our relationship, I think it’s time we did. I want to tell you too though, thank you. Thank you for teaching me so much and broadening many of my views and experiences. There are instances I know I wouldn’t have experienced or taken the time to appreciate if it weren’t for you.

There are many things that I’ve wished and hoped for on your behalf during our time together, so, I’m going to try to remember as many of them as I can so you’ll always have a small part of me to think about...

I hope that you always have your friends at home, they are your best friends and they love you, it’s obvious. I hope you learn how to be friends with them without an abundance of alcohol. I hope that you land the job of your dreams it enables you the freedom and challenge you’ve been looking for. I hope that you appreciate your parents for all that they do for/with you and spend as much quality time with the both of them that you possibly can, one day, it will seem like the best investment you ever made. I hope you learn to give someone your heart a little easier. You have a lot of love to give, I know from experience, don’t keep it all in. I hope the Eagles win the superbowl. I hope you eventually find exactly what you’re looking for, you’ll recognize it instantly. Most importantly though, I hope you remember me as a girl who gave her whole heart to you, a girl who loved you unconditionally and wished nothing but the best for you, a girl who you’ll always look back and think fondly of, a girl who ultimately made you a better person, a girl who, well, who was worth it. Because you know what? I am.



All the best and love,
-M

13 Comments:

Blogger maggi said...

sending you a BIG HUG from Georgia! your blog buddies are here for you!

8:43 AM  
Blogger lisagh said...

Not in specifics, obviously, but you know I have been exactly where you are. It's not easy.

You're strong, I can tell by the letter you wrote; that took bravery. I'm proud of you.

Hugs from me to you and continued support.

8:53 AM  
Blogger J said...

That could NOT have been easy to write. Hugs to you...definitely not a nice way to start of the new year :(

9:45 AM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Fuck the hugs - I just threw my office chair back, stood up and gave you a standing ovation. Not for breaking up with a boy you love(d) but for so eloquently writing a mature observation about the unraveling of said love.

I heart you P in VT. A heart bigger than my untoned arms can span.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Sarah M said...

Wow, that was an amazing letter. I hope he does realize how special you are. That could not have been easy to write. I wish you all the best.

11:45 AM  
Blogger SBCVandy said...

I am so amazed by your letter and hope I can have that much grace and poise if I am in the same situation. Even your not often commenting-semi-lurker blog people are here for you. *Hugs*

12:59 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

great letter. i hope it made you feel better & gave you some closure. one day you are going to wake up & 1/2 way thru the day notice it doesn't hurt anymore. you are going to be okay. keep blogging & we are here for you. :)

2:39 PM  
Blogger a. said...

I had a feeling it was something like this - you did the right thing. Good for you for not holding on when you knew things had changed as so many people do. Long distance relationships are really difficult and only a handful of them survive.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

very well written-letter. i have been reading your blog for a while and love it. and this exact thing happened to me 3 months ago - your letter really touched me. you will be okay...every day gets easier. thanks for helping my by blogging abou this today.

hugs, nicole

4:03 PM  
Blogger RED said...

Wow! I give you a ton of credit for writing that letter, shows maturity and much more grace then I know I would have in that situation.
I'm so sorry to hear that news - it does get easier, every day though..keep plugging along.
You deserve someone fantastic - you'll find him.

5:16 PM  
Blogger tulipmom said...

This is such an incredible letter. Good for you for writing it the way you did. I'm sure it took an awful lot out of you.

5:38 PM  
Blogger Libby said...

M,

I am impressed by your insight, your wisdom, and your bravery. I hope that you keep that letter tucked away someplace safe so you can reread it as often as you need to. Take care, Sweets, I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs, Lib

8:23 AM  
Blogger hot potato said...

i commend you for letting us all in on that private moment. i think it spoke volumes of who you are as a person... very intentional, warm, grounded, invested, and loving. those are solid characteristics to have.. i would challenge you never to compromise on those things even after life hands you lemons.

p in vt, you will attract your "forever" man. your heart will be more than happy, full, and content again.

you stood up for yourself with your head held high and your dignity intact. i respect you for that. and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

now on with the next chapter. one i will be following out here in blog world.

a big heart felt hug from your fellow blogger in idaho!

1:57 AM  

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