Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Birds Flying High, You Know How I Feel

I’m heading out tomorrow morning to attend a Michael Buble concert! He is one of my favorite entertainers and I absolutely cannot wait to see him live. Concerts aren’t usually my thing (I’ve been to two—Britney Spears/N’Sync and Steve Miller Band) so I think this will be my favorite. I’m really looking forward to it.

Of course, the concert? Is in Michigan. And I’m going with HIM and I’m spending the weekend with him and I don’t understand how I can be excited and incredibly wary simultaneously. I actually don’t understand any of this. I try to figure it out, and I try to understand how I feel and what I think but I’m constantly on an emotional rollercoaster, one minute feeling great and the next feeling awful.

How does this happen? My head tells me that I need to end everything and just move on… my heart wants the complete opposite. I loved him. Isn’t that supposed to mean something? He says that he would like to get back together or at least be in the same place, together, to see if this works. While that’s great in theory, I’m not comfortable putting myself back out there. I was devastated by what happened and, for whatever reason, I am having an extremely difficult time moving forward.

Is it even possible to move forward after this? Even if I was sure that I wanted to, I don’t know how. It seems impossible when every song about cheating on the radio makes me feel sick to my stomach. When every time my head isn’t focused on work the image of the two of them in bed together slides in. When every time I think about my Spain vacation the first thought is how they emailed each other the whole time and how, after it was over and I was left with a broken heart and shattered remnants of a relationship, he went home. To her. No worse for the wear. How do I move forward when I find myself wondering, as a weekend with him is approaching, how many girls he’s been with since I’ve seen him last, how many calls and texts he’ll delete from his phone before I get there. I wonder how many calls he’ll ignore in three days…

The thing is, I don't hate him. Even on days that I try to and days that I want to, I don't. I don't even think that he's a bad person, in fact, I truly feel like he is one of my best friends. But at the same time I don't understand how someone who is supposed to care about me let what happened happen. Is it possible to love someone even when you feel like they don't deserve to have your love/emotion?


I’m consumed with thoughts of them, of us, of me, of him…I can’t sort them out. I’m trying, I really am, but it’s overwhelming and emotionally daunting. I feel like I can never do the right thing…what he wants is not what I want. What my family wants, is not I want. And I can’t figure out what I want, so where does that leave me?

The only place it seems to leave me is with a perpetual headache, heartache and pit in my stomach.

Man, I don’t ever remember signing up for this…

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6 Comments:

Blogger Tammy B said...

I've been there. It's hard. If it makes you feel any better, one day when you least expect it, you'll be over it and you'll grow from it. If he's the one, both of you will make it work. I think back now and can't believe it ever happened. Believe it or not, the person that I most regret letting get away was the rebound guy. I know...that's weird.

8:07 PM  
Blogger hot potato said...

i would never claim to have any definite answers for you. but one thing i do know is if you have any doubt in your mind, then that's the clue you need to pay attention to... but it just means you need more time to pursue a clear head... not necessarily that you never should get back together.

it's funny, it's in these situations, that time works us from both sides. for example, you need time alone to figure things out... but at the same time, your mind is telling you that opportunities to be around him may not come around often enough, so take advantage of the time you have with him.

i don't know you, but i know myself. i'd probably do what you are doing. i do think if it's not right to be with him, you will feel it... and you will start moving in the opposite direction. you haven't had reason yet to think that, so you are moving towards what you had and would still have with him.

i hope you have fun. but more importantly, i hope some of your questions get answered.

11:55 PM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

That sucky conflict you're managing is normal. Fun? No. Normal? Yes.

Whenever a boy wrongs me, I try to ask myself this - would I tolerate such behavior from a best friend? If a friend intentionally and blatantly lied to you for self serving reasons, how would you feel and what might you do? Personally, I tend to cut boyfriends a lot more slack than regular old friends. But whatever you do, don't be so hard on yourself. When you're ready to take a step in one direction or another, you'll know it.

But more importantly? Buble? Really? Clearly you are a post-menopausal woman trapped in a jazzersizing twenty-something body.

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know me, I don't know you, I just happened on your blog randomly when googling for something else (the funny piece about growing up when you reach 25).

I'm commenting because I'm a man, going out with a woman, we have been for 6 months or so... and right now I feel sure we're perfect for each other. And the thing is, a year before I met her, something similar happened to her. She was actually engaged to a guy, wearing his ring. And found out he was sleeping with someone else. She still felt she loved him, he said he still loved her. It took a while for her to realise he had to go. And then it took months for her to get sane again (and anti-depressants, in the end). She's still not "over it", it will always hurt, I guess.

And the thing is, if she'd been still trying to "make it work" with that cheat, when I met her, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near her. It was only because she'd finally decided to cut off all contact with him that I approached her. I've never cheated on her and never will. HE is now settled with the other woman, who has the doubtful benefit of having won a man that she already knows is a liar and a cheat.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS I should have said, I wish you well, whatever you choose and however it works out...

4:29 PM  
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1:34 AM  

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