It's All Coming Back

After a few random events, lots of thoughtful reflection and a post on this lovely lady's blog this week I feel as though I'm right back where I was in the middle of January. Things are actually going really well overall these days- - I've had a nice break since tennis was over, I confronted some Jazz issues that seem (for now) to be left alone, I've connected with some old friends and I've got a plan, a *great* plan- - but still, I'm back to the pit-in-my-stomach, why-did-this-happen, can-I-ever-get-over-it kind of feelings. And it's not. that. fun.

Song I've been listening to non-stop?

Should Have Said No - Taylor Swift

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
The smiles, the flowers, everything: is gone
Yesterday I found out about you
Even now just looking at you: feels wrong
You say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

[Chorus:]
You should've said no, you should've gone home
You should've thought twice before you let it all go
You should've know that word, bout what you did with her
Would get back to me...
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind
I shouldn't be asking myself why
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...
You should've said no, baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been crying
And baby you know all the right things: to say
But do you honestly expect me to believe
We could ever be the same...
You say that the past is the past, you need one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

[Repeat Chorus]

I can't resist... before you go, tell me this
Was it worth it...Was she worth this...No... no no no...

[Repeat Chorus]

Happy first day of summer! I'll have a (or three) gin & tonic(s) with all of you in mind this evening...

I've Got the World On a String

Buble? Was AWESOME. Didn't get home until 1am and taught jazz at 6 am. Catching up on work, but what a wonderful weekend...

Birds Flying High, You Know How I Feel

I’m heading out tomorrow morning to attend a Michael Buble concert! He is one of my favorite entertainers and I absolutely cannot wait to see him live. Concerts aren’t usually my thing (I’ve been to two—Britney Spears/N’Sync and Steve Miller Band) so I think this will be my favorite. I’m really looking forward to it.

Of course, the concert? Is in Michigan. And I’m going with HIM and I’m spending the weekend with him and I don’t understand how I can be excited and incredibly wary simultaneously. I actually don’t understand any of this. I try to figure it out, and I try to understand how I feel and what I think but I’m constantly on an emotional rollercoaster, one minute feeling great and the next feeling awful.

How does this happen? My head tells me that I need to end everything and just move on… my heart wants the complete opposite. I loved him. Isn’t that supposed to mean something? He says that he would like to get back together or at least be in the same place, together, to see if this works. While that’s great in theory, I’m not comfortable putting myself back out there. I was devastated by what happened and, for whatever reason, I am having an extremely difficult time moving forward.

Is it even possible to move forward after this? Even if I was sure that I wanted to, I don’t know how. It seems impossible when every song about cheating on the radio makes me feel sick to my stomach. When every time my head isn’t focused on work the image of the two of them in bed together slides in. When every time I think about my Spain vacation the first thought is how they emailed each other the whole time and how, after it was over and I was left with a broken heart and shattered remnants of a relationship, he went home. To her. No worse for the wear. How do I move forward when I find myself wondering, as a weekend with him is approaching, how many girls he’s been with since I’ve seen him last, how many calls and texts he’ll delete from his phone before I get there. I wonder how many calls he’ll ignore in three days…

The thing is, I don't hate him. Even on days that I try to and days that I want to, I don't. I don't even think that he's a bad person, in fact, I truly feel like he is one of my best friends. But at the same time I don't understand how someone who is supposed to care about me let what happened happen. Is it possible to love someone even when you feel like they don't deserve to have your love/emotion?

I’m consumed with thoughts of them, of us, of me, of him…I can’t sort them out. I’m trying, I really am, but it’s overwhelming and emotionally daunting. I feel like I can never do the right thing…what he wants is not what I want. What my family wants, is not I want. And I can’t figure out what I want, so where does that leave me?

The only place it seems to leave me is with a perpetual headache, heartache and pit in my stomach.

Man, I don’t ever remember signing up for this…

Really Sick of...

all of this Spitzer stuff. Jim Cramer (Mad Money) was on the Today Show this morning (he is good friends with the Spitzer family) and he was just. so. sad. About the entire thing. I know that I wasn't married before, nor do I have kids who were effected by the outcome of my last relationship, but it makes me think about all of the details I'm trying to forget. And it makes me sick to my stomache.

Completely unrelated, the person who was responsible for securing a rental car for our vacation next week dropped the ball so I'll be picking up that responsibility. Great...

For the Record

I am not back together with my boyfriend. He (SAYS he)would like to be, but how can I date someone that I don't trust? At all. I'm torn between doing what I KNOW is right and doing what is easy/comfortable.

The whole situation is so difficult and confusing. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love and respect me. If he DID love and respect me he wouldn't have done what he did. THEREFORE I should kick his tush to the curb and be done with him- - and I have- - but not TOTALLY, you know? We still talk, we still communicate... I saw him last weekend (hence the disapointment from you guys) and he will be in the same place that I'm going on vacation. (We're not going together.) It's just so completely crazy that I can't even get my head around it. He says he made a terrible mistake, he's so sorry, blah, blah blah... I say I deserve better and can do better. He says he KNOWS I'm what he wants and I say, well... I know I don't want what he's done.

I just don't know how to make it better...or feel better. I'm beginning to hate myself for letting him get away with this even though I haven't really, because we've broken up. I don't know, I feel like he doesn't deserve the smallest part of me but, for some ridiculous reason, I feel bad taking it away...

I'm reminded of The Wedding Singer... "Love Stinks". :)

Because They're So True

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Dont ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know? Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Thingsll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You''ot no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin your worries pass you by
Dont you think its worth your time
To change your mind?

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know? Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Wont you tell me now
Hold on for one more day cause
Its gonna go your way
Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Cant you change it this time
ake up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

Hypothetically Speaking

Let me set the scene...

You had a boyfriend that you had been dating for three years. It was long-distance which was tough, but you thought that (soon) you would be closer geographically. You saw each other for Thanksgiving and Christmas and went to Spain together for the new year. While you're at his house for Thanksgiving he's weirdly secretive about his phone but you let it go. While he's at your house for Christmas, you notice some fairly disturbing text messages and ask him about them. He claims it's nothing, you relent.

While in Spain you have some pretty intense heart-to-hearts and really try to verbalize what has been going on with each of you individually and as a couple. You seem to get to a good place together and begin to look and move forward.

On the second-to-last night there you're out a bar with your sisters, the boyfriends and some friends you met while vacationing. Everyone has their cameras out and are taking pictures. Your boyfriend hands you his camera to hold. While there is a lull in activity you begin to flip through the pictures of the vacation and admire them, then get to pictures of Christmas, admire those... then get to pictures of him out at a bar with another girl. They're kissing. Your stomach immediately drops and you freeze. You really want to put the camera away but keep flipping. Then you see them- - pictures of he and her, in bed together. On two different occasions. The same girl you asked about before you left on the trip. The same girl who WAS. ON. HIS. TEAM. LAST. YEAR. that you've met.

You, obviously, freak out and end the relationship. You do a really great job ignoring him for the first week that you're both back but then, gradually, you begin to answer his texts, email and phone calls. You never initiate contact, but you do communicate. Through all of this communication, you discuss yourselves, the relationship, what happened and he, is convinced that you will eventually get back together. That the other girl was "nothing" and he doesn't want/like her. He calls every day, writes emails that say how sorry he is, he still wants you to go on the vacation you were supposed to take with him in February. He calls you with plans for the summer, he calls you "Babe" in every conversation even though you asked him not to, he talks about the future he wants to spend with you.

While he says that this other girl is "nothing," you know that she picked him up from the airport when he arrived from Spain. That they spent the weekend together two days later and that they've spent (at least) two other nights together since then. He refuses to admit that she is a factor, at all, in his life.

What would YOU do?

Because, I? Am lost.

I Promise

I won't turn this into my daily horoscope fix, but...

Today's:
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). While you're looking longingly in someone's direction, someone else is looking longingly toward you. These games of triangular love could go on for days.

Are you serious? I don't even take them seriously, but COME ON!!!!!!!

My Horoscope Today

Relationships are tricky now, and you feel like it's time you made important decisions. Should you cross the bridge or burn it? Likely, the best answer is neither. Take a boat underneath it while you think it over.

Talk about a mixed message. :)

Thank You

For your sweet comments yesterday. They seriously help. To add to the old-relationship drama I continue (after numerous attempts to say, "Hey- - don't call/text/email/expect to communicate with me like we did before") I receive text messages/emails/phone calls as much (if not MORE) than I used to...

and as much as I HATE what happened and I TRY TO IGNORE THEM and I SO DON'T FORGIVE him, I'm embarrassed to admit that they made me feel... a little bit good.

What is WRONG with me? I wish I could be one of those girls who gets pissed and WALKS AWAY. Are you one of them? Because I totally envy you. I've never been able to do that. I always hear people out, give them the benefit of the doubt and continue to support them in whatever way they need. It's unbelievable really.

And I totally see this for what it is... a selfish ploy to continue to have the best of both worlds. I. Get. It. but I struggle to do anything about it. Yes, I act differently and I'm a little bit cooler towards him and I don't ever initiate contact but it's HARD.

(I promise, I'll try not to let this turn into a "How to Break-up Unsuccessfully" blog but this won't get out of my mind, darn it.)

Just When I Think I'm Fine...

I start replaying the events of the demise of my relationship and I want to throw up. Immediately.



thisstilltotallysucks.

It's All About Networking

I went to a business networking event for my alma mater last night. Now I'm very friendly and pretty bubbly, but is it just me or is there something inherently akward about these events? It's all, "Hi, what year did you graduate? Oh, '68... so what do you do now? Oh, you're retired... right... " :) Kidding. A little. Some of you are probably the STARS at stuff like this.

Overall it was fun and I got to see some people I haven't seen since graduation, AND it was something to put on my calendar now that all of the "Call bf, skype date with bf, ER with bf" have been removed. (Okay, those things were never actually scheduled, but you get my drift.)

I have a socially jam-packed weekend. I'm going to see 27 Dresses tonight with a newish friend who is becoming my closest friend since college then we're meeting up with my two best guy friends from high school for drinks. Tomorrow my cousin is home for the weekend with her boyfriend whom the family hasn't met yet (we met when I went down to HHI last year) so we have happy hour planned then we're all going out with friends. Should be fun.