A Ridiculous Day in the Life

I don’t talk too much about my co-workers because when you’re in your own classroom every day, you don’t really see them enough to have great stories. That has been true for the majority of this school year—until today. The kids left after ½ day due to conferences so we, the teachers, had about a half hour to run down and grab some lunch.

Usually our lunch consists of coercing six elementary students into eating whateversonthetable, doling out appropriate amounts of the frys and pepperoni, assuring someone that YES the banana does have spots but NO it’s not rotten, and encouraging the table curmudgeon to USE their napkin, while simultaneously convincing them that you don’t have to eat whateversonthetable because you’re an adult. And adults? Need something OTHER than whateversonthetable. Today though, we were kid-less so I anxiously awaited lunch with my friend. Somehow I MISSED her sitting in the cafeteria and sat down with a few of my coworkers. Two of whom work in the classroom adjacent to mine.

I am sitting down, enjoying my lunch when Male Coworker plops himself next to me. After rolling up his sleeves, wiggling down in his chair, popping his arms out a couple of times, and awkwardly jutting his chin from right to left in an attempt to crack his neck, he was ready to eat. Apparently. Just as he’s about to take a bite of his, It’s BREAKFAST FOR LUNCH DAY sausage, egg and waffle medley, he glances over at my plate and says, “Wow. Do you always eat so much at lunch?”

((dead silence.))

Me, “Um, actually. Yea.”

Him, (realizing that he MIGHT have said something very, very offensive), “Oh, well, I mean. I’m just asking because well, you know. I mean. I’m just usually, well, at lunch time? I’m just so like, jazzed up about the kids. Or, you know, thinking about what we’re going to do for the afternoon and excited about a lesson. I mean, I just don’t usually eat that much at lunch. I have too much. GOING ON.”

As if to imply that I don’t have a lot on MY mind. Excuse me for EATING. Excuse me for TAKING ADVANTAGE OF FREE LUNCH. Excuse me for making lunch my exciting meal of the day because, dinner? Will be undoubtedly microwavable due to the fact that my apartment DOESN’T HAVE A KITCHEN. Luckily for him I’m not an insecure waif who would have been HIGHLY offended by that rude and inappropriate question but STILL. STILL. Who the HELL does he think he is?

And? I SEE him walk in every morning with a greasy DD or McD’s bag and a large, whole milk, 8 sugared iced coffee. So yea, TOUGH GUY, that double waffle egg mcmuffin probably DOES last you through lunch.

After that debacle I settle in to visit with two other coworkers who are discussing their gym routines and personal trainers. The weird co-worker is explaining a rudimentary exercise move IN DETAIL. LIKE IT’S ROCKET SCIENCE and I’m biting my tongue so I don’t yell out, “OMIGOD SHUT UP ALREADY. WE GET IT. WE GET IT.” The other coworker says, “Yea, and I hear that this one kickboxing class is awesome. I’d love to try it.” And the weird one gets this look on her face, like she’s trying REALLY hard to think about something and goes, “Kickboxing? I’m unfamiliar with that. Do you stand? On a box?”

I wish I were kidding.

P.S. In case you’re curious about the AMOUNT of food that I had on my lunch tray today? I had: a bowl of soup, a bowl of salad, and one plate with a spoonful of potatoes and a spoonful of vegetables.