When She Says Jump I Say, "How High"

I went to bed a little grumpy thinking, "Hey! Tomorrow's a new day! Things will look up!

This morning? Was a disaster. I'm innocently straightening my hair in the bathroom when I hear, "M...mgpurd jdpudhd, gudhs."

"What? I can't hear you!" I responded.

Sister: "There's a SPIDER in HERE and I need HELP. I STILL can't SEE. My EYES AREN'T ADJUSTED YET."

Me: "Okay." I pick up some tissues and head into the bedroom. "Where is it?"

Her: Standing on the bed with shoes on her hands. "Right THERE."

And... there it is. All 2" and 8 legs of it. It's sick.

Me: "Okay..." I kneel down to get closer to the spider that is on the floor and my sister hands me a boot. The spider, however, is too close to the wall/corner for me to make a successful WHACK.

We push the bed over, move the nightstand and my sister hands me a bottle of windex to spray it. I'm armed with windex and the boot and lean closer.

SPRAY SPRAY SPRAY!

The spider takes OFF RUNNING! AND JUMPING! AND ZIGZAGGING TRYING TO FAKE ME OUT. There's a FRENZY in the bedroom with me hovering over the spider with a boot and windex and my sister, standing on the bed, yelling, "GET IT! GET IT!"

It stops. IN THE CORNER.

Damn it.

I asked my sister to get me a cup. A place the cup around the spider and drag it out into the middle of the floor so I can have more room to work. The spider, not liking this in the least, starts CRAWLING UP the GLASS and JUMPING AGAINST IT. I'm NOT even kidding... I could feel the vibrations from it jumping. Again. sick.

I lift the edge of the cup up EVER SO SLIGHTLY to see if it's going to move.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" My sister screams.

I freak out, push the cup down and look up, "WHAT?!?!!?"

Her: "THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I look to where she's pointing. There is... a MAYBE pinkie fingernail sized spider on the wall. Personally, I would have left it. My sister? No way. Takes a boot to that thing like it's her job and SMEARS it on the wall. No joke. She SMEARED a spider on the wall. I look at her, totally annoyed and she responds, "Yea. That's just what I DO. I can clean it later if its bugging you that much."

Bugging me? Psssshaw! I *love* spider guts on the wall.

I don't even respond because if I did? I would have kicked her ass right there before school.

Now we have spider guts on the wall and Mt. Everest of a spider underneath the cup. Good morning, it's my lucky freakin' day.

I, once again, slowly tip the cup up and expose the spider enough for me to WHACK it. I did and it curled into a ball. I hit it again. Was that enough for my deranged sister? Of course not.

She starts yelling directions:

"You've got to MUSH IT! MUSH IT! WIPE IT! TWIST THE BOOT. IT'S NOT DEAD UNTIL THE BODY COMES APART AND THE LEGS FALL OFF! IT'S JUST FAKING YOU OUT! GET IT! GET IT! RUB IT IN! RUB IT IN!"

When the spider was dead enough for her liking she instructed me to pick it up and flush it down the toilet.

Then, she hands me a bottle of spider spray my Dad had sent and says, "I read the directions. It looks easy enough."

I just looked at her.

THEN. THEN. On the WAY TO SCHOOL. She looks over at me and says, "Yea, are you Grumpy today or something? What's your deal?!?"

She was serious.

I had no words.