Down the Curve

It was (slightly) light outside when I walked out of my Jazz class at 7:00 a.m. We're coming down the curve, thank god.

The FIT

I work out. All. of. the time. I've always been that way so there's really no other explanation. I'm not totally obessessed with "the skinny". I just really like it. Jazzercise takes up most of my exercise time but it's a lot of work to always be responsible for someone else's fitness, you know? All of the, "Is your core tight?" "Are you squeezing your buns?" "Remember to BREATHE!" So, I decided that I would make someone else be responsible for my fitness and would take my workouts up a notch. I got a personal trainer.

We had our first meeting yesterday and it was-- PERSONAL. (Go figure.) He took all of my measurements and did the pinch test. Notsofun. :) I'm excited to see where this goes...

The Weekend

was great! It was quiet and relaxing everything that my weekends haven't been in a really long time. Saturday night my friend invited me and my sisters over for dinner. My sisters had to babysit so they met us later and it was so fun. I've always been really bad at having "girlfriends" in real life (in my blogging life it's much easier) so I was nervous when I started hanging out with her because sometimes girls are just. too. much. She is super-great though and completely easygoing and we actually have a lot in common which keeps it interesting. And she doesn't seem to mind that my family is totally crazy and around all. of. the. time.

ANYWAY! She too, is a Jazzercise instructor at the center that I teach at so Saturday night we were just hanging out, eating, watching tv, visiting... when we started talking about YouTube. We showed her some of the funnier videos we've seen lately ("Charlie bit my finger' and "Monster gon' kick my a$$") when I divulged the secret that I know the entire "Crank That" (Soulja Boy) dance. (Really.) Well, being a dance major in college and a current Jazzercise instructor she didn't want to be left out. So... we spent the remainder of the night learning the dance and practicing it.

Yea, um, I've been out of middle school for 10 years but sometimes, it's fun to go back.

Blogger Bandwagon?

What's up with everyone going private lately? Did I miss the blogger bandwagon?

Thank You

For your sweet comments yesterday. They seriously help. To add to the old-relationship drama I continue (after numerous attempts to say, "Hey- - don't call/text/email/expect to communicate with me like we did before") I receive text messages/emails/phone calls as much (if not MORE) than I used to...

and as much as I HATE what happened and I TRY TO IGNORE THEM and I SO DON'T FORGIVE him, I'm embarrassed to admit that they made me feel... a little bit good.

What is WRONG with me? I wish I could be one of those girls who gets pissed and WALKS AWAY. Are you one of them? Because I totally envy you. I've never been able to do that. I always hear people out, give them the benefit of the doubt and continue to support them in whatever way they need. It's unbelievable really.

And I totally see this for what it is... a selfish ploy to continue to have the best of both worlds. I. Get. It. but I struggle to do anything about it. Yes, I act differently and I'm a little bit cooler towards him and I don't ever initiate contact but it's HARD.

(I promise, I'll try not to let this turn into a "How to Break-up Unsuccessfully" blog but this won't get out of my mind, darn it.)

Just When I Think I'm Fine...

I start replaying the events of the demise of my relationship and I want to throw up. Immediately.



thisstilltotallysucks.

Somebody New

Now that the fact that I'm (finally! after being in two relationships for the past 8 years) single is starting to get out I'm beginning to get phone calls/texts/emails from my guy friends... you know, friends who have been friends all along but you don't really see each other except when you're all at the bars for Thanksgiving and Christmas? Or that you text randomly when you think of each other, but it's all in the name of FRIENDship and nothing else. And, to be honest, it's a little creepy.

I think it's great that we've managed to stay friends throughout high school/college/work, and I'm not saying that THEY ALL want to date me but a few of them have REALLY alluded to the idea that they would like to take me out. Which would be fine, I would go out, as FRIENDS but I don't want to date someone that I already know. I want/need something COMPLETELY different right now before I fall back into what's comfortable. That is one of my biggest weaknesses. I like things/people that I'm comfortable with, who I know. Who know ME. One of my goals out of this HUGE. RIDICULOUS. MESS. is to expand my social circle a little bit and get out there and meet someone NEW.

Not to mention, two of the guys who have asked me out have asked me to go to the movies... am I totally alone here in thinking that going to the movies is NOT a great date? Going out for happy hour? I'd be there. A glass of wine? You betcha! Mixed doubles on a Saturday afternoon? Sure! Beer and Football on Sunday? Why not? The movies? I don't know. It seems like something you would do in middle school, right? Like you go with your "boyfriend" and it takes 1/2 the movie for both of your hands to meet under the armrest then you spend the second 1/2 of the movie wishing you had just grabbed their hand during the opening credits because, GOD! You're FINALLY! HOLDING! HANDS! Do you guys remember that? Not to mention, if you're watching a movie you're supposed to be quiet. And, well, it's not exactly a great get-to-know-you atmosphere. Sorry, no movies for me.

I need something around here. Something new and exciting and different. I'll let you know when I find it...

Best Weekend Ever

I had a wonderful weekend! Saw 27 Dresses (you MUST see. It's was a little too similar to How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but Katherine is... perfect.) and hung out with my friends and family.

Now none of you truly "know" me but by now you've probably figured out that I'm not too crazy. I don't go out (hardly. ever.) on the weekends and only consume copious amounts of alcohol at family parties. This weekend I did go out with my cousin, the newish boyfriend and some friends and we were having a GREAT time at a bar downtown. We were having a few drinks and taking lots of pictures. Next thing I knew, three bouncers came over and escorted me out of the bar. Seriously. I was kicked out of a bar at 10:30pm. For taking pictures. Apparently that is NOT allowed there. ( I didn't see any signs posted.) AND I didn't even get a warning. I would have totally stopped taking pictures if I knew that it was against the rules. Really. I'm not a rule breaker. I get all nervous and sweaty when I even THINK about breaking rules. I couldn't believe it.

I mean, it wasn't even for anything good. If I was going to get kicked out I wish I had done something worthwhile...

Help

I am planning a weekend trip to NYC in March and I would LOVE recommendations of a few places to stay. There will be 6 of us, so two rooms or a suite would be best and we'd like to stay pretty central...

any ideas?

It's All About Networking

I went to a business networking event for my alma mater last night. Now I'm very friendly and pretty bubbly, but is it just me or is there something inherently akward about these events? It's all, "Hi, what year did you graduate? Oh, '68... so what do you do now? Oh, you're retired... right... " :) Kidding. A little. Some of you are probably the STARS at stuff like this.

Overall it was fun and I got to see some people I haven't seen since graduation, AND it was something to put on my calendar now that all of the "Call bf, skype date with bf, ER with bf" have been removed. (Okay, those things were never actually scheduled, but you get my drift.)

I have a socially jam-packed weekend. I'm going to see 27 Dresses tonight with a newish friend who is becoming my closest friend since college then we're meeting up with my two best guy friends from high school for drinks. Tomorrow my cousin is home for the weekend with her boyfriend whom the family hasn't met yet (we met when I went down to HHI last year) so we have happy hour planned then we're all going out with friends. Should be fun.

My Flip Video

My dad loves to catch every moment possible on video. He's usually pretty successful but ever since we did the big switch over to Macs our video camera is no longer compatible with our computer. So... for Christmas we got him a Flip Cam. It's not super-fancy but it's small enough to fit in my purse and with one-button operation you REALLY can't go wrong. We brought the camera with us (convenient gift, right?!?) to Spain and the video we got while we were there is priceless. (Think my youngest sister sneaking into the bathroom confessional-stlye explaining why she was taking shots before we went out for the night- - "Cause I'm not going to blow my Euros on drinks if I'm already DRUNK") Since then we've recorded every Lead Singer experience and countless other non-important events.

Many of you probably have high-tech, easily uploadable video cameras, but if you don't. I highly recommend the flip cam. Seriously. You just capture, plug and play. It's REALLY EASY. (It says $149 on their homepage but Costco has them for $119.)

Maybe I'll video my speed-dating experience...

kidding. :)

Speed Dating

Given the circumstances of my last relationship I am not ready to be dating again. Not yet anyway. I'm sure I will be eventually and it won't seem as depressing as it does right now. However, there is a speed-dating night at a local bar next month and I'm thinking... maybe I should go, you know? Why not? It's not like I have any real expectations of coming out with a winner and it might be a fun experience and it will certainly take my mind off everything that I've been thinking about lately. It will probably even be refreshing but I can't help but dread the starting over part... you know? I can just imagine... All of the:

"Hi, I'm M. My favorite colors are pink, red, blue and green. I love tennis and I went to a small liberal arts college in the middle of no where that I *loved*. I have three sisters who are my best friends. You HAVE to like them. If you don't, this won't go anywhere. And I have 21 cousins on one side and we're all really close and we spend every 4th of July, summer vacation and Christmas together. And on that summer vacation, we have what we call the "Porch Test" that you'll have to pass. See, every day after the beach we have happy hour. On the porch. All 50-75 of us. And if you're new to the group, you have to go through the Porch Test which entails you mingling during happy hour. With EVERYONE. If you're friendly, and charming, offer to grab whomever a beer whenever you go to the cooler, and refill whichever sangria/wine glass is empty you'll be doing well. You'll do even better if you bring a case of beer, bottle of wine and/or an appetizer to share, have a couple of funny stories to tell about me and tell people how lucky we are to be on vacation in this beautiful place and how incredible the tradition that has started is. If you want bonus points you'll whisper to my mom during a lull in conversation that she and my dad did a really great job raising me and my sisters ((don't laugh, this has happened before)), and you'll tell the key people (my cousins S and A, my aunt J, and M) how lucky you are to have me.

The next day on the beach everyone will take turns coming over to me while I'm sitting in my beach chair, walk down to the water with me, or take a trip up for an ice cream and tell me what they thought. If everyone liked you and you were all of those things, you'll pass with flying colors. If not... well... our future together is grim.

Oh, and my best friend from home. P. Yes, he's a guy. No, we've never dated. No, we've never liked each other. You HAVE to like him too. He is my best friend and I refuse to date someone who doesn't understand how much he means to me. Do not be jealous of him. I hate jealousy and I will never make you jealous. Truly.

Um, I think that's it! It was great meeting you! Really! Thanks!"


Okay... so maybe I'm not ready for this... ;) (I'm really not crazy you guys, I swear.)

A Small Recap

Aside from the TERRIBLE part of my vacation, it was SO MUCH FUN. I would really love to go back to the Alicante area in the summer because you can just tell that it is amazing- - beaches, booze, and sun! The whole time we were there I never really got on their time (which actually turned out to be okay) so I ended up going to bed between 4-6am and sleeping until 11 or noon. (In case you haven't been paying attention, my normal sleeping schedule is 9pm-5am.) I never took a spring break in college because we always went to Hilton Head, SC for tennis- - and I LOVE Hilton Head, but those of you who've been there know it's not exactly full of the crazy spring break activities you hoped for when you were 18 (not that we didn't create enough crazy of our own...)- -but I more than made of for it on this trip.

We ate dinner around 9pm because we waited for our friend to get out of practice then we'd go out for the rest of the night! It was more crazy than I have (really EVER) been in my entire life, but it was so worth it. One night a bartender offered us shots of absinthe...Hey, "When in Spain..."

Karaoke de Espana

Since we had some time to practice our karaoke skills before we left for the trip, when we happened upon a Spanish karaoke bar (Feelings) in Alicante we couldn't resist. We, of course, picked the only song that can be sung as a group karaoke song once you've seen Coyote Ugly- - I Will Survive- - and we did- - barely. :)

(PJ- please notice the looks on our faces, I put this in just for you)

Also, I take no responsibility for the skirt/ugg combination. They wore them against my recommendation.

This whole breakup thing will get easier... right?

Guess Who's Back?

What a wonderful trip! I have lots of stories and pictures to share, but first I wanted to follow up with what I alluded to while I was gone. It's a long, drawn out story but you'll get the basics when you read the following email I sent to my (ex- - I'm sure it will get easier to say that?!?) boyfriend...

Hey,

I’ve been thinking about how to say this but it seems like writing you a letter might be easier. I know that sometimes our relationship is a struggle and dealing with long-distance communication isn’t easy. Trust me, I don’t like it either. I’ve always thought that we would make it through. I didn’t know how, or when, but I had a solid feeling of belief and faith in, well, in us. I truly believed that eventually we would both be where we wanted to be, together, at the same time. I have to say now that I am seriously doubting and slightly unconvinced in our ability to see this relationship out.

I can’t pretend to know when your feelings changed but I do know that they have. Call it intuition, or perhaps the ability to (finally) see clearly and say what we both have on our minds, I’m not sure. Maybe it was sometime during the summer, maybe it was once you were back in Michigan, maybe it was somewhere in-between. I guess the where doesn’t matter as much as the when. I wish you told me at the exact moment you felt this slip away. I suppose it’s possible that it’s always been this way and I have just been unwilling to see it. I’d like to think that’s not the case but I’ve been let down before. I guess my point is; I recognize it now.

I wish you had enough respect for me and my feelings to tell me what was going on with you. You can deny my questions as much as you’d like, the bottom line is, I know. When you’ve been in this place before, like I have, it doesn’t take long to recognize it. The inevitable emptiness and ache that lingers deep down in the hollow of your heart and stomach are impossible to ignore. The funny thing is, I imagine this started much the way you and I started. Ironic, right? A chance meeting, a late night at a bar, a few too many drinks… I can imagine this because, remember, when it was us doing that? It seems so long ago now, but I still remember the exhilaration of those first couple of months; the excitement; the fun. What grew from that is something I never thought would, a love and friendship that were the best I had even been a part of. Love is like that, right? It gets better each time? (Or is it better with time?) Experiences are tricky like that, what one person remembers as the best moment of their life another remembers as the worst. I hope she’s worth it.

At a different point in my life I may have been willing to let this go, or pretend it didn’t happen, but I’m not there anymore. I’ve learned to ignore my heart and think with my head. (Believe me, I’m ignoring my heart just typing this to you.) You know, it would be easier to ignore this but I can’t do that. I can’t continue to let myself down while keeping other people up. Does that make sense? The decisions we make define who we are and I’m tired of the way I’ve been defining myself. I deserve to be with someone who deserves to be with me. Someone who unabashedly recognizes what I have to offer and wants every piece of me. I’m not sure that you’re there. The double standards and inability for compassion are more than I can deal with.

I’m not perfect. I know this. I am proud to say though, that there has not been one time in the past three years that I haven’t been completely dedicated to you and to us. Even when it wasn’t easy. Even when it would have been easier to walk away. I continued to believe that eventually we would grow into each other and with each other. Maybe that’s where I went wrong. I’ve been waiting for something that I had no right to be waiting for. Maybe we both were.

As hard as this is to do, to finally see and think clearly about each other and our relationship, I think it’s time we did. I want to tell you too though, thank you. Thank you for teaching me so much and broadening many of my views and experiences. There are instances I know I wouldn’t have experienced or taken the time to appreciate if it weren’t for you.

There are many things that I’ve wished and hoped for on your behalf during our time together, so, I’m going to try to remember as many of them as I can so you’ll always have a small part of me to think about...

I hope that you always have your friends at home, they are your best friends and they love you, it’s obvious. I hope you learn how to be friends with them without an abundance of alcohol. I hope that you land the job of your dreams it enables you the freedom and challenge you’ve been looking for. I hope that you appreciate your parents for all that they do for/with you and spend as much quality time with the both of them that you possibly can, one day, it will seem like the best investment you ever made. I hope you learn to give someone your heart a little easier. You have a lot of love to give, I know from experience, don’t keep it all in. I hope the Eagles win the superbowl. I hope you eventually find exactly what you’re looking for, you’ll recognize it instantly. Most importantly though, I hope you remember me as a girl who gave her whole heart to you, a girl who loved you unconditionally and wished nothing but the best for you, a girl who you’ll always look back and think fondly of, a girl who ultimately made you a better person, a girl who, well, who was worth it. Because you know what? I am.



All the best and love,
-M

Still in Spain

Hi all,

I hope your new year is off to an amazing start. Mine should be as I'm in Spain, but... well... it's not. I will share when I get back and I'll be needing a little extra support from my blogland buddies...

Adios.

Happy New Year!

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to pop on quickly and wish you all a happy new year!  I'm in SPAIN (!) and won't be returning for a little over a week so the posting/commenting will be minimal.  Don't worry though... I have some REALLY great posting topics for when I get back.  You won't be disapointed...